i've watched the stretch marks on my arms form and change. from brown to white and back again. i feel so fucking ugly. i know it's normal but i still feel disgusted in myself. i always tell myself to lose weight but the first thing that comes to my mind is starving myself. i know it's not healthy and i feel guilty for even thinking that way. i don't even know if i'm faking how i feel right now. everytime i feel like talking about my problems i back down cus i feel like i do it for attention. i know i do it for attention. nothing i go through is real. i have no right to complain if i don't bother changing myself.
sometimes when im alone i feel as if i get really philosophical? or as philosophical as a teen can be. i start to think about life and all the different views people have on it, i.e. nihilism, pessimism, optimism, etc. i have conversations with myself in my head to a random person. someone who asks easy questions so i always have an answer. half the time i don't remember what i talk about or why i get into a state of just being kinda blank and not really doing anything. i spend so much time thinking that i never get up and go do something with myself. that fault is wholly mine.